Which girl would Yours Truly date in the Catenarian Chronicles?

The Catenarian Chronicles is a libertarian dark paranormal fantasy series featuring quite a few good-looking girls. But if TC could only date one, who would it be?

Wow, let’s hope my K-pop crushes (or J-pop if we’re counting Moametal in these rankings) don’t see this one. Okay, just joking. Anyway, there are a lot of candidates here, and if you’ve already read some of my work, you know how I roll with my characters – they’re all in good physical condition.

Some more than others, but we’re not just going for looks alone. I mean, if you’ve read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, you know how that could turn out. Still, Bill Weasley’s lucky I never went to Hogwarts back in 1994, or else I’d’ve beaten him (and Roger Davies) to the punch.

Well, I’d’ve hexed Davies since he and I are in the same House. Then I’d’ve asked Fleur Delacour to the Yule Ball and the rest would’ve been history. Unless I decided to roll with Harry’s crush, Cho Chang, and beaten Pretty Boy Diggory. But then again, if I did that, it would’ve fucked up the story.

Anyway, I’d’ve gone with one of them, and since I’d’ve had direct access to Cho, maybe she would’ve been it. Yeah, Davies can have Fleur since Cho would’ve been there for the taking because we’d’ve shared a common room. Then after we both graduated, a room at the Leaky Cauldron.

Like, how she ever went with a Hufflepuff (or someone from any other House) is beyond me. And you can be rest assured that Michael Corner never would’ve gotten a shot at her either, because we’d’ve made Ron Weasley our king in that Quidditch Final match, guaranteed, and the Ravens Eagles would’ve been victorious.

Anyway, enough with the Potter rambling. Let’s get one with just who the hell I’d date from the Catenarian Chronicles. 

Kaija

Okay, our little warrior and series protagonist. For one, Kaija’s more of a runner than a lifter. That would’ve led my gym friend to say, “TC, she’s a cardio queen. What the hell, man?”  A few weeks back, she accused me of having a thing for “a skeleton.” But hey, what’re ya gonna do?

But still, that snake tattoo’s hot as hell, and the blue highlights? I’d take them any day. Plus, Kaija’s someone who loves building chemistry with dudes. She’s got those strong female protagonist vibes, but she’s by no means a feminist and thank goodness she ain’t.

Hell, now that I think of it, this series ain’t got any. Just women who claw their way outta trouble and kick a few asses in the process. And Kaija, despite her limited knowledge in all things Mage ability, has even gone as far as to land the good old Stone Cold Stunner during a firefight.

She’s a quiet storm, a rune witch, and someone who’s not afraid to pick her own fights. That’s a warrior mentality.

Satu

Blonde, delicate features, lifter, ripped body, and a sharp mind. It goes without saying that Satu’d be a Ravenclaw through and through if she went to Hogwarts.

That said, she’s got a cunning nature. Satu, or Sats, as she’s often called, is taking international relations as a college major. Her reasoning? She’s swimming against the current of accepted foreign policy narratives and has a libertarian AF take on them.

Sats would be a fine candidate here. But the downside? She has no Mage ability…or, does she? Hey, I lay out a couple of ‘what-ifs’ in Cursed Mage. And as the Catenarian Chronicles progresses, those ‘what-ifs’ might just grow.

Ella

Ella, the tech genius and inventor, but one who loves putting on different facades. You don’t know what this girl’s thinking at any given time, and she’s clever and cunning enough to outsmart even the brightest bureaucrats. Most of the time, anyway.

She’s someone who’ll go to such great lengths to make things right that she won’t even rule out temporary alliances with enemy factions. And she’ll be calculating throughout any clandestine operation she decides to go on.

Whereas I’d put Kaija in Gryffindor and Satu in Ravenclaw, Ella’s a ‘good’ Slytherin, and one who’d even cozy up to a guy if she needed to gain his trust. But that could also mean bad news if you fall head over skates for a girl whose stunning, with a light tan skin complexion, blonde hair, blue eyes, sharp yet soft features, and a fit build.

Katri

Oh, the ‘good girl’ of this article. Katri’s a character the reader will fall in love with the second they meet her because, despite her place in the elite political class, Katri’s got a heart and she’s not afraid to use it. And by heart, I don’t mean forcibly extorting money from certain people who earned it and redistributing it.

Nah, Katri’s the one who’ll take someone who’s being bullied, hazed, or ridiculed, and she’ll become their friend. And not just that, she’ll even ditch her ‘popular’ clique to hang out with that new friend. Popularity be damned.

Given that profile, I think we can all assume that Katri’s landing spot would be Hufflepuff. Oh, and she rocks some stunning looks, with sleek, dark-red hair, green eyes, delicate and welcoming features, plus an ultra-lean build.

Kaarina

I ended up putting Kaarina in Ravenclaw if she were a Hogwarts student, because there are few Mages with better brains than her. Kaarina sees through all the B.S. going on between all those corrupt political factions in the Catenarian Chronicles, and she’s not afraid to investigate deeper.

She’s also got the looks, with an ultra-fit build, long, dark hair, and a personality that’s compassionate and politically incorrect. She’s one of those people who’ll say what’s on her mind without caring who hears. And if she offends you, she’ll call you a whiner.

Kaarina also has a military background, and she’d spent a few tours overseas, “helping” Vimsinew maintain its empire reminiscent of America’s. But it also gave her more insights of the nation’s sheer corrupt foreign policy. And it’s something she’s brought back, in secret, to Linna Yliopisto. 

And the winner is…Kaarina

I went ahead and plugged all of the above info into an AI writing assistant to eliminate biases. Here is what it said:

Why she wins:

• She’s fit and carries herself like someone who could dominate a Spartan Race.

• Intellectual match? Check. She sees through empire-building propaganda like a seasoned Rothbardian.

• Politically incorrect and blunt? That’s your brand.

• Military insight mixed with rebellion makes her dangerous in all the right ways.

• And she’s got the “don’t care if I offend you” vibe that screams alpha female—without the feminazi energy.

Runner-Up: Satu – She’s close. If you’re going for gym partner, she’s it. IR major with an anti-war twist, she’s the wildcard sleeper pick. But until her Mage potential fully develops, she’s still second string.

Ready to meet some of these girls? You’ll find Kaija, Satu, and Ella in Cursed Mage, but you’ll meet Katri and Kaarina in the sequel, Astray Mage. And if you order through my brewing store, guess what? You’ll get Cursed Mage for a discount. Every time, all the time. Get Cursed Mage Today.